“Gentleness is not weakness. Just the opposite. Preserving a gentle spirit in a heartless world takes extraordinary courage, determination, and resilience. Do not underestimate the power of gentleness because gentleness is strength wrapped in peace, and therein lies the power to change the world.”
L. R. Knost
Gentleness is a virtue that seems to be rarely seen in our world. It might be helpful to wonder why it is so absent.
It certainly has something to do with the connection between gentleness and vulnerability that I described in my last post. From the moment we enter this world, we need others to survive. It begins with our parents. It continues with the community that teaches us how to live well and to find meaning in the world. This vulnerability does not end when we become an adult. To continue learning and changing, all of us need people in our lives who will create the space for us to be fully who we are. This includes our weaknesses and our struggles. Self-reflection only carries us so far.
Gentleness is absent in the world because we believe it is not that practical. We have convinced ourselves that it doesn’t work. Gentleness, we believe, is not powerful. We need power to get things done, and it is easy to think of power as a zero-sum game. Gentleness can actually get in the way of you getting the power you need. I can’t be gentle towards people with whom I disagree or disapprove, because there only so much power to go around, and I don’t want to appear weak.
So instead of a virtue, gentleness becomes a weakness, even a character flaw. And yet, from a spiritual perspective, we are encouraged to develop it because it can make a difference in the world.
The book of Proverbs reminds us that gentleness can turn away the wrath of kings (15:1; 25:15). We have already heard Paul encourage us to let our “gentleness be known by everyone” (Philippians 4:5). For Paul, it is an expression of the presence of the Spirit in our lives (Galatians 5:22). He encourages us to “Be completely humble and gentle” (Ephesians 4:2) and to cloth yourselves with gentleness (Colossians 3:2). One of the important characteristics of leaders of the church is gentleness (1 Timothy 3:3, 6:11). Peter talks about responding to others with gentleness (1 Peter 3:15). In the Gospel of Matthew, Jesus describes himself and “gentle and humble in heart” (11:28-29).
From a spiritual perspective, then, gentleness matters. Gentleness makes a difference. Gentleness is not being timid. Gentleness is not being polite. A gentle person is not just a nice person who has qualities that we find useful from time-to-time: listening, nurturing, caring. But when you really want to make a difference in this world, you need to be someone that is less tolerant and patient, less concerned about the feelings of others.
But what if gentleness is not just an antidote to coercive power? What if gentleness is a power that can change the way people relate to one another? What if gentleness can impact for the good the way groups interact: political, religious, racial, ethnic?
After all, it seems gentleness is something that our society and culture desperately need. People bemoan the lack of civility, the animosity and hatred that exist in the world today. And yet, they don’t see gentleness as any part of the solution.
Here are some ways we can capture and give expression to the power of gentleness.
1. Learn to practice forgiveness.
Forgiveness is not the same as reconciliation. Forgiveness is an internal process. Forgiveness is recognizing and even embracing the hurt that someone has caused you or someone you care about. But instead of letting that hurt shape how we respond, even in its presence, we choose to act in ways that express the values and meaning that are important to us.
Forgiveness is not easy, but there is a simplicity to it. Instead of getting caught up and stewing in all the powerful feelings of the hurt, we are mindful and accepting of them, so we can move on through life.
2. Learn to practice validation.
Validation moves beyond hearing, and even beyond understanding. You can validate the thoughts and the beliefs of another, even if you don’t agree with them. Validation involves creating space.
You create a space between you and another person…you create a space in your own heart for that person to be who they are. And then, you step into that space and reach a place where you can say: When I put myself in your shoes and see this situation through your eyes, I understand why you think and feel the way you do.
3. Learn to deal with your anger.
It is hard to practice gentleness when you are angry. And sometimes, it is hard to be aware of the anger when you encounter someone who sees they world so differently that you think it is wrong. Think of someone like this. Picture them in your mind. And notice what happens inside of you.
You may not be feeling a raging anger, but it may be an anger that is seething or smoldering. Whatever label you give it, this feeling, and the thoughts that go with it, shape how you see this person or group, and how you respond to them.
4. Learn to let go of the need to be right and the other person to be wrong.
In my work with couples, I point out how framing every interaction as right/wrong or win/lose does insidious harm to the relationship. Here is why. These stances are not just about one person being right and the other person being wrong. Instead, for me to feel like I am right, I need sense from you that you know you are wrong. And when you have two people (or two sides) doing that to each other, the relationship is fractured.
Letting go of right/wrong and win/lose frameworks is aided by the practice of validation I described above. Behind any perspective on any issue, there are stories and experiences that make that perspective make sense. That is true for you; it is true for the other person.
The invitation to practice gentleness does not come from the fact that it is a good idea that works in certain situations. Gentleness is not the opposite of power. Gentleness is a different can of power that can make a difference in the world.