In my previous post, I began a discussion of the spiritual practice of gentleness. I described gentleness as a spiritual practice because we are encouraged as people of faith to “Let your gentleness be known to everyone” (Philippians 4:5). This makes gentleness more than a virtue. As people of faith, our gentleness should be on display in our interactions with others.
There is a paradox to gentleness. It is something that we all want. It is something we want to experience from people in their interactions with us. And yet, even while it is something we all want to experience, we don’t see much gentleness in the world. In fact, gentleness is rarely held up as a virtue, and it is often seen as a weakness.
We get a sense of this paradox when we turn again to the definition of gentleness. In his article, Recovering the Art of Gentleness, Michael Jensen describes gentleness as a “form of love that recognises (sic) the vulnerability in others and allows for it rather than exploits it.” It is this relationship between gentleness and vulnerability that keeps gentleness from being more present in our lives.
I might think about ways to be gentle, but it is not easy to think about ways to be vulnerable.
And yet, it is this vulnerability that is at the heart of why we should strive to practice gentleness. Why do we need gentleness? Why is it necessary? Because we are vulnerable people who need each other. This is built into our very being.
Jensen says that “we cannot avoid recognizing our frailty. Our frailty is not simply physical, though it is deeply physical. We may build an armour (sic) of muscle to display our invulnerability — or to convince ourselves of it — but a microbe or a gene can easily find a way to dissolve us. We are also psychically, emotionally, and spiritually vulnerable creatures, prone to shame and guilt, unable to free ourselves completely from habits that cause us to implode, or that erode our happiness. We do not find ourselves to be masters of ourselves, doing even what we know we do not want to do. Who has not found themselves wondering why they, yet again, did what they, in fact, did?”
We need gentleness because we are vulnerable. Ironically, we also need gentleness because we can be very judgmental. We look at other situations, people, and groups of people with minds that analyze and evaluate, categorize and label. We look at ourselves and do the same things.
This thinking, problem solving part of our minds is not a bad thing. In many ways, it is amazing. It is why we are at the top of the food chain. It allows us to define and to solve complex problems. It allows us to explore the depths of the universe.
But what works for the external world does not work for our inner lives.
With this thinking mind, we analyze and evaluate our thoughts and feelings, our urges. We categorize and label them as good or bad, right or wrong. We do the same thing with the thoughts and feelings, the urges and desires of others.
Try something for a moment. Look at a picture. It could be a picture from a magazine or a news story on a website. Look at it and take it in for 2-3 minutes, long enough for your mind to start formulating thoughts about it. Go ahead and do it before you read on.
When you are done, list the thoughts that your mind gave you about the image. It helps to write them down. Look back over the list. What do you notice? If you are like most people, many of the thoughts are evaluating and categorizing or judging in some way. “The décor in that room is too busy…She is very attractive (or not attractive at all)…why are they doing that….That’s what liberals (or conservatives always say or do.”
These judgmental thoughts come to us without even trying. We become very judgmental about almost anything or anyone, and that makes it hard to be gentle.
Of course, it is not helpful for me to point out how difficult it is be gentle, and then say, “Do a better job of practicing gentleness!” It is important to consider why we struggle with being gentle.
I wonder if fear has something to do with it. If I am not gentle with others, perhaps it is because I do not expect others to be gentle with me. Not really. Polite maybe, which is okay, but not gentle.
Or maybe we struggle with practicing gentleness because we haven’t fully seen the person or the situation before us. Go back to the picture and the thoughts are minds give us. At some point, I was not really looking at the picture; my thoughts were coming from what I had already determined the picture to be. I believe that my spiritual journey invites me to look deeply into the heart of another, to look deeply into my own heart, and find and connect to a common humanity we share. Then, it is possible to be gentle.
I don’t think I’m done with gentleness. Or maybe gentleness isn’t done with me. So next time I’ll consider some tangible ways to give expression to gentleness. Until then, I welcome your thoughts and comments.