In the realm of the religious and spiritual journey, many people see doubt as something bad. Doubt is a sign of losing your faith. For many, it is the antithesis of faith. Doubt suggests something is wrong with your relationship with God or in your spiritual journey.
Jesus cries from the cross, “My God, my God, why have you forgotten me?” With these words, Jesus is quoting a Psalm. Psalm 22 bounces back and forth between words of complaint and lament and words of faith and trust. All these words are spoken to God. In fact, there is a whole collection of Psalms called the Psalms of Lament or Complaint. So it seems strange that doubt has gotten a bad name.
Doubt is not a sign that you are going astray in your spiritual journey. Doubt is not an obstacle to faith. In fact, doubt may be a necessary and meaningful component of faith.
Or as author Frederick Buechner said, “Doubts are the ants in the pants of faith. They keep it awake and moving.”
I have been a part of the Christian tradition for as long as I can remember. As they used to say in the Southern Baptist Church, a member of the cradle roll. I will turn 70 years old this month. I can say that my experience of God, Jesus, and the spiritual journey is very different now than it was for the 50-year-old Gary. Or the 30-year-old Gary. Or the 15-year-old Gary.
These differences were not the result of some intentional choice. “Okay, now I’m a little older and more mature, so I think I’ll change my faith.” The differences were born out of experiences of questioning and wondering. They were born out of experiences of doubt.
It may have been something I read or something someone said that made me consider something about God I had never considered before. These were not just random authors or strangers. These were people that I knew. They had a deep, authentic faith. And yet, their spiritual journey was very different. And so, I wondered. I had doubts.
But there were strangers who played a role in these differences. People who practiced other religions. People whose lifestyles were very different from mine. People who just didn’t seem at all interested in this faith that meant so much to me. These were people that my tradition considered to be wrong, even sinful. But again, they seemed to be living a life of meaning and purpose. How could this be? And so, I wondered. I had doubts.
And then there were those life-altering experiences. Watching the deep pain of a high school classmate who found her faith dead on the living room floor. Feeling the discomfort as I saw people abused and reviled because of the color of their skin (I grew up in the Deep South in the 50s and 60s, so I saw this a lot. And a lot of that abuse came from people of my faith). Seeing hate and even disgust by people on both sides of a religious or political spectrum. These did not make sense in the context of my identity as a follower of Christ. And so, I wondered. I had doubts.
I am realizing that it is this identity as a follower of Christ that welcomes and even embraces doubt. If your religious and spiritual identity is based mostly on a set of beliefs and truths, then doubt is definitely a four-letter word.
If a belief is true when you are 10 years old, it is just as true when you are 70 years old. But being a follower is about being in a relationship. Being a follower of Christ has all the challenges of any relationship. You are different. Your life experiences are different. And so, you have to figure out how to be a follower in the midst of these experiences. And that figuring out calls for wondering, for questioning, for doubt.
Part of the etymology of the word “doubt” comes from the root, “duo” which means “two.” It suggests the idea of having two minds. I find that image to be an inviting one. Having two minds. One mind carries the way I have looked at the world up to this point. It is a mind that has served me well and given me meaning and direction. But now, well, there is this other mind. It, too, seems to have some promise and appeal. But this mind also contains some ways of looking at the world that are very different from my first mind. And so, I let these two minds have a conversation which can result in a deeper and more meaningful spiritual journey.
In many ways, Easter is a season of doubt.
Perhaps it sounds strange to say that when you think of the Easter celebrations in many churches. Trumpets and fanfare. Hymns sung with robust certainty: Christ the Lord is risen today. Alleluia!
But the biblical stories of resurrection are much different. They take place in the darkness before dawn. They take place near tombs and behind hidden doors. Henri Nouwen has called this the “hidden resurrection.” There is no angelic declaration that Jesus is risen. There is no resurrected Jesus appearing to Pilate declaring, “See, I win. You lose.”
And there is a lot of uncertainty and fear present in these stories. It seems like every time the risen Christ makes an appearance, his first words are, “Do not be afraid.”
Perhaps the gift of the season of Easter every year is the gift of doubt. Resurrection is not just an event that happened to Jesus long ago that we believe and affirm. With resurrection, the power of God has been let loose in the world in ways we have never imagined. And so, we have to figure out what this power means for us and how we do our spiritual journey. And to figure out, well, we must wonder. We must question. We must doubt.